Forty Third Visit to Taft

Everytime I go to Taft I meet new people and hear new stories that touch my heart. Last week I enjoyed back to back visits with Ron due to Thursday, November 11 being a free day because of Veteran's Day. Carole and I drove to Taft on Thursday morning, visited all day, then went to the home of Linda and Rod in Bakersfield, and spent a fantastic evening with them. Early Friday morning we were back at Taft, visited until 1pm, then headed home. It was a tiring yet exhilerating two days. Not only do I look forward to my visits with Ron, but I also enjoy connecting with other prison wives. Taft has a new inmate from Indiana. Ron enjoys spending time with him, so when his wife and son came this weekend from Indianapolis, I was anxious to meet them. Another family I will enjoy seeing on visiting day. My circle of wives, girlfriends and mothers is expanding weekly, and I am constantly impressed with the strength and compassion of these women. They are all heroes in my eyes.

By talking to Ron everyday I have a good handle on how he's doing emotionally. He is an open book. Last week I could hear something in his voice that told me he was not feeling like his normal, cheerful self. He sounded a little down, so I was happy to have two days with him to talk and figure out why. He told me he had times when he felt very lonely, so we talked alot about this emotion.

"Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty." Mother Theresa. Luckily Ron's loneliness is infrequent and short lived but many inmates have chronic depression and loneliness, mainly caused by long term incarceration. I asked Ron if he saw a difference in inmates that had visitation, letters and phone calls, and those that had little contact with the ouside world. He answer was an unequivocal "YES." Men who have outside people who care about them are more upbeat, positive and balanced. Many inmates who have been down for a long time(incarcerated) are no longer in touch with the outside. Often friends and family give up on them. This causes depression, and many inmates withdraw, becoming loners, spending most of their leisure time sleeping. Ron describes many of them as having either a sad, or angry face. Many times these men had letters and visits initially, but through the years they have been forgotten. This is a tragic situation for so many men and it does not bode well for their chance of success when they are released into society.

Ron's loneliness centers around his limited ability to connect with his family. When he is missing someone, he calls them. If he can't get in touch with them he gets frustrated, as he has no way of reaching them. Another situation that causes Ron to feel lonely is a family problem. He is afraid that a serious family problem may tear us apart, and there's little he can do. It is exasperating not to be able to freely and spontaneously communicate with your loved ones. Days may go by before being able to actually talk to a person you are having a conflict with. This means that there is so much time for Ron to sit and think about all the various solutions to a problem and to imagine what the other person might be thinking. As one psychologist told me long ago, most of the worst case scenarios that you think about never come to pass, but it doesn't keep most people from thinking about them.

Ron finds that a structured day keeps him balanced and forward thinking. A routine is one of the keys to keeping balanced and fighting off loneliness. The goal is not to get too high or too low. The day before visitation is often a high day, and when visitation is over an inmate often feels low. Stay on an even keel. That's what Ron strives for. Don't get the idea that Ron is lonely or depressed from what I have just written. He's not, yet he does have his moments. Usually a five minute talk with me will cheer him up and remind him of what we have, and how soon we will be together again. It sounds corny, but that works for him.

The Plight of the Mountain Gorilla

As an animal lover extrodinaire, and a conservationist I have long been interested in the future of African wildlife. Every year it seems you hear about another animal faced with extinction, usually at the hands of man. I have been to Africa twice, but have never had the experience of seeing a mountain gorilla in the wild. What a thrill that would be. I had a tentative trip planned in the 90's but it never materialized, and from what I read now I may never get to see them. Here's what's currently happening to the mountain gorilla of the Democratic Republic of Congo.

Because of the violence of the civil war, and the deforestation of their habitat for illicit coal production, the critically endangered mountain gorillas of the Democratic Republic of Congo's Virunga National Park have been having a hard time of it lately. The rangers who try to protect them are not doing well either. 120 of them have been killed in the park since 1994.

With only 700 mountain gorillas life in the world and 81 of which inhabit the reserve, even the loss of one individual is an immeasurable tragedy. So when in 2007, suspected charcoal traffickers sneaked into Virunga, shot four gorillas execution style and left their bodies as a message about park officials' new campaign against coal production many groups fighting for the survival of the gorillas fought back.

The good news is that with international attention turned towards the perilous situation, the rebels and the government made a tenatitve truce over gorilla conservation and a recent population census claims that 10 new additions have been born to gorilla families. This is great news to me. Perhaps I will someday get to see these beautiful creatures up close and personal.

Classic Melting Hot Chocolate Souffle

I don't know who created it, but many years ago while dining at the then new Roy's Restaurant, I tasted their signature dessert, a molten lava hot chocolate souffle. I think I was in Denver. My son Phil was working at Roy's while going to the University of Denver, and trying to figure out a career path. He thought he might want to be a chef, but a year in the kitchen changed his mind. Anyway, I am not a great chocolate lover, but this dessert was something special. Warm, cake like souffle on the outside, hot chocolate oozing out from the inside. A chocolate lovers dream. Now you can find this dessert most everywhere, and NOW you can make it at home. It's quite simple, and your family or guests will be most impressed. Here's Roy's famous dessert.

Classic Melting Hot Chocolate Souffle

1 c. sugar
3 T. cornstarch
4 eggs plus 4 egg yolks
12 T. butter
8 oz. semisweet dark chocolate (good quality

In a mixing bowl, combine sugar and cornsatarch. In a separate bowl, mix eggs and yolks together. In a saucepan, bring butter to a simmer, then add the chocolate. Mix until the chocolate is smooth and begins to simmer along the edges. Combine this chocolate mixture with the sugar and cornstarch and mix thoroughly.

Add eggs and mix at low speed until sugar is dissolved and mixture is smooth. Refrigerate overnight in a bowl.

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Line 4 metal souffle rings with parchment paper and coate with non-stick spray. On a baking sheet, place each ring on a square of parchment paper. Fill 2/3 of each ring with the filling. Bake for 28-30 minutes. Remove from baking sheet. While holding each mold with tongs, slide a metal spatula underneath and transfer to a plate. Gently lift the mold off, remove the paper and serve with ice cream or whipping cream. Serves 4.

The instructions sound a little complicated, but if you have the right mold, it is really very easy. Everyone will be so impressed, and you will have a wonderful new chocolate dessert in your repetoire. Enjoy.

Travel Means Trying New Foods

One of my favorite things to do while traveling is to sample the local flavors. I like to do that at home too, but while traveling I get a chance to try new preparations of old flavors or taste foods I've never even seen before. My recent cruise with my mom offered me just that experience.

Two of our cruise stops were in Portugal. I had always heard about grilled sardines as a specialty of Portugal and I was determined to try them. We stopped in Oporto, our very first stop, and I hit the jackpot. We had just finished cleaning out a little store of all their scarves (well, not really, but it felt like we bought out the whole store) and were hungry for lunch. Should we go back to the cruise ship where we knew we would get a fantstic meal, or should we try a local cafe and get the grilled sardines? It was no dilemma for me. I'll always go fo the local cuisine.

The cafe we chose was outdoors in the center of a large pedestrian promenade. Great for people watching, and as I soon discovered, great for eating. The picture menu made it easy to order, and I immediately saw just what I wanted. Grilled sardines, boiled potatoes, and a salad with several vegetables. All this for 8 euros. When my order arrived I was sorry we hadn't split the meal. Several large grilled sardines, potatoes and vegetables were a beautiful sight. Much more than I could ever finish, but I did my best. The sardines were sweet and tender and different than what I expected. After all, all I knew about sardines is that they came in a little tin and were packed in oil. Portugese sardines are a whole different breed. They were about 8 inches in length with bones that must be removed. The ones we get in the can are eaten whole. I loved my meal, but I wasn't done yet. Across the street from our cafe was a bakery, and we had to sample the local tarts that everyone was eating. It's a little tart shell filled with a custard like confection. It was very firm, with a burnt topping. Wonderful. I polished it off before we got halfway down the next block.

When you're on a cruise all your meals are included so you tend to want to go back to the ship for your meals, but you miss so much. I would never have had my sardines or my tart which to me, were so much a part of the trip. It's so interesting to see first hand how different countries take the same ingredients and turn them into something very different. I'll have to go back to Portugal someday to see what other deliciousness I can discover.

Old Photos, Great Memories

It's been almost 8 years since we moved from Los Angeles to San Diego. Because of limited space, we stored numerous boxes in my mom's garagae in Los Angeles. She's trying to clean her garage now, so I have taken the boxes, one by one over the past month, gone through them and eliminated what I could, then organized the rest and repacked the stuff in boxes that are now in my garage. In the process, I have looked at hundreds of photos of friends and family from the past 40 years, and have had a beautiful trip down memory lane.

There is nothing like old photos to make you feel OLD! I look at pictures of myself and Ron with the kids when they were small and say to myself, "Were we ever that young? Were we ever that thin?" I lingered over several groups of photos longer than others.

For Ron's 50th birthday party we had a huge 60's bash at the Friar's Club in Beverly Hills. We took over the whole place. Everyone was dressed in 60's garb, popular food from the 60's was served and we had a DJ and dancing all night. It was so much fun. The most nostalgic part of looking at the pictures was that many of the people in them have died or we're no longer in contact with. It's amazing, the power of a photograph. You can really relive the memory from a snapshot.

Another group of pictures that I reminisced over were the ones I took at Ron's 60th birthday party. This was the last party we had in our house in Brentwood, just a few months before we moved out. That was a difficult party and one we debated over whether or not to even have, but in the end decided to go forward with. It was in 2002, when all of our problems were coming to a head. All of Ron's clients, friends and family were there, but sadly most of the people present are no longer people we see. Several have died, others no longer talk to us. Still, the pictures keep the event alive forever.

Many of the pictures that I loved looking at were ones we'd taken from many trips to Europe, some alone, some with friends and some with the family. One picture made me laugh out loud when I remembered the story that went with it. The picure is of Ron, my 16 year old son Phil and his 16 year old cousin Mike, lying on lounge chairs on the beach in Cannes. They're grinning from ear to ear. Why? A group of young ladies, topless had just walked by. I just laughed when I remembered that afternoon. Right after I snapped the picture, the boys got up and followed the topless girls down the beach, trying to be discreet, but doing their best to get another look. What fun that afternoon was, and what great memories I have from that vacation.

All the pictures are back in a big plastic bag again, just a little smaller bag than before. I don't know if I'll ever get around to organizing them into albums. I doubt it. Today it is so much easier to keep photos arranged and easily available for viewing with the computer. I'd love to have a slide show of some of the old pictures. However, there is something I love about going through the old photos one by one, touching them and remembering when the picture was taken. It brings it all to life for me. What wonderful memories.

Forty Second Visit to Taft

Last week I mentioned that Ron's concept of time has changed. It's really more that he values time more than ever before. He has measured time in minutes, days, weeks, months and years and knows how each amount of time feels. As of Saturday, Ron had completed 300 days of his sentence. When I visit on Friday, he will have 200 days left. When he is back home in June, he will never view time the same. We talked about this last week. In the past Ron would often go reluctantly to a dinner or party with people he did not know or like. That will not happen anymore. He will not spend precious time with people he doesn't like or doing things he doesn't want to do. When you have lost 17 months of your life to incarceration you look at things very differently. This is something I will have to remember and be sensitive to. How often do you go to a party you really don't want to be at? We've all done it. My attitude, and Ron's, used to be "It's just a couple of hours. No big deal." Well, to Ron a couple of hours IS a big deal. I thoroughly understand this. It's not a matter of being selfish, because Ron is a very compromising person and has done many things he hasn't wanted to do. We all have. But now he realizes how precious time is, how it's something we never get back, and how he wants to make every minute of the rest of his life count. I will support him in this. "Time as at once the most valuable and the most perishable of all our possessions." John Randolph

Friday Ron and I spent some quality time with our family that he wouldn't have missed for anything. Our son Brian, his wife Beth, and twins Ryan and Spencer, age 4 1/2 months, came to visit Ron at Taft. This was the first time Ron had seen the twins, and he was a little anxious about the visit, mainly because he wasn't sure how Beth would feel about visiting Taft, but her casual, relaxed attitude immediately put him at ease. And the twins! He couldn't wait to hold them, rock them, play with them. He thoroughly enjoyed it, and looks forward to another visit from them in the spring. We took a few family pictures before the end of their 2 hour visit, which Ron will treasure. After they left, Ron said he was "over the top" on the happiness scale. I asked why, and he said he didn't know, but I sure did. What could make anyone happier than a visit from his children and brand new babies? It's visits like this that keep Ron going, counting the days until June. According to Ron's calculations, tomorrow is day #299. We're getting there!

If you're a lover of lattes and frappes, stop by The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf on Tuesday, November 9. They will be selling their specialty drinks for $1 (lattes and ice blendeds), with the money going to charity. A great cause and a yummy afternoon pick me up. Enjoy.

More Ways to Save Money

I haven't given you many money saving tips lately, but thanks to my mom, who's always thinking about me and about stories for my blog, I have the July-August copy of the AARP Bulletin. In it are 99 great ways to save. Many of them you've heard before but there are a few that bear repeating or are actually new to me. Here are the ones I found of interest.

1. Save water in an old toilet by putting a plastic bottle full of water, weighted with pebbles in your tank.
2. Save on printer ink by using the Century Gothic font. A recent study showed that this particular font consumes about a third less in than industry-standard Ariel. That will save about $20 a year for a home user printing 25 pages a week.
3. Ask your doctor for a discount. I did this last year and was pleasantly surprised. There was a time when I was uninsured for 8 months, which I explained to the doctor, and she graciously gave me a 30% discount. Go to healthcarebluebook.com before your appointment to find out what it pays area doctors for a similar consultation or test. Try to negotiate directly with the doctor, not the office personnel.
4. To save on groceries, check out mygrocerydeals.com. Here you can compare prices in your favorite supermarkes by product, category or store. You must register for this site but it is free. Trader Joe's is NOT one of the stores you can compare.
5. Buy gift cards for up to 30% off their face value at plasticjungle.com, giftcardrescue.com, and giftcardsagain.com, where cards are sold by gift-getters who don't want them. I haven't tried this one yet, but it sounds great.
6. Call 1800-GOOG-411. Give your location and speak a name or business category. You'll get a list of matches and the service will then dial your choice. The big advantage is that it's free.

Hope these tips will be of some use to you. I think the gift cards and the 411 tip are especially helpful. I will have another blog with more tips soon.