Parenting 101

I haven't watched the Dr. Phil show in years, but I was recently channel surfing, and the title of the show caught my eye. It was "Lazy and Entitled." One family on the show was a mother, her 22 year old daughter, and the daughter's 23 year old boyfriend. The two young adults were living in mom's house, not working, not looking for work, and having their bills paid by the mom, who was struggling herself. The kids thought this was perfectly ok. The next family on the show was a mom and dad, an 18 year old daughter who was in college but living at home, and a 13 year old out of control daughter. The 18 year old daughter had written about her family to Dr. Phil. The 13 year old wouldn't go to school, was disrespectful to her parents all the time, left trash all over the house, and complained that her parents were cheap when they only gave her $150 for her birthday. These kids are not outliers. They are more and more common today. Young adults that think the world owes them a living. As Dr. Phil says, they weren't born that way. Parents need to learn the single most important word, and that is NO. When parents say no, it should mean no. The advice that Dr. Phil gave the first family was that mom should have the kids move out and stop paying their bills. As long as the mom takes care of them, they will continue to be unemployed. Mom says she will stop enabling them, but that remains to be seen. The other family was really in crisis, and Dr. Phil was sending a family therapist to work with them. I Phones and I Pads and extravagant gifts for a 13 year old should be a reward for good citizenship and respect. The 13 year old in question would throw tantrums, destroy the house, swear, cut school and who knows what else, and the parents stood by and watched. There are many important things that most parents teach their children, but three in particular. 1. The value of work and the feeling of accomplishment for a job well done. There's nothing that feels better to a 16 year old than receiving his first paycheck. 2. How to handle disappointment, whether it's not making the cheer leading team, not getting the grade expected on a test or not getting asked out by a special boy, children must learn to accept these disappointments and realize that life will go on, and maybe next time things will work out as they want. Finally, children must learn the importance of giving back to their community in some way. My experience as a parent and now as a grandparent, is that NO is the most difficult, yet most important word in parenting. I remember going to the supermarket with my young kids and having them endlessly ask if they could have Frosted Flakes or some other sugared cereal. It took just a few times, sticking to my guns, to put that question to bed. They never asked again, and we never had sweetened cereal in the house. As adults and parents, none of my children buy sweetened cereal. Another NO that my children got frequently, had to do with shoes. They went to a school with many affluent students, and although we could afford the $100 Michael Jordan shoes (that was expensive at the time) I would not buy them. I explained my reasons to them, and I stuck by my guns. None of them buy expensive athletic shoes today. In fact, this particular "No" had such an affect on one of my boys, that when he was in college he wrote a piece for an English class on a young boy with just one pair of shoes. He told me how much my attitude about expensive shoes had affected him. As a parent, some things you say stick. Others seem to go in one ear and out the other, but much of it is absorbed and may come out in later life. You've got to be strong as a parent. Using the word NO is a good place to start.