My Personal Journal

I don't know if I'll ever get it. Maybe now, after our kids wanted to meet us in Irvine for lunch, and Ron and me had a long talk, I might finally get it. What IT is that I haven't gotten until just now is how stressful certain parts of probation have been for Ron. The mere thought of having to go through the process of requesting permission to leave the jurisdiction is painful. An ache in Ron's stomach, followed by several sleepless nights, wondering why his probation officer hasn't answered him immediately, followed by stress until he finally hears from her, or more likely, has to send another request or two to her. It's not a complicated process, and in the two years and seven months since Ron's release, she's never said "no" to a request, but that doesn't lessen the anxiety. I have not realized all this time the stress this simple event was causing. It's partly Ron's fault for not explaining to me long ago the anxiety he goes through each time he makes a request.

It seems perfectly rational for Ron NOT to feel any of these feelings, based on what's happened in the past, but he still does. As his friend Richard tells him, this is something that will probably never go away. Ron can understand intellectually that his thoughts are not rational, but that doesn't diminish the feelings he has.

I remember years ago when my kids were in high school. They had a curfew of 11:30. They might call and say they were on their way home, but would arrive later than expected. Those minutes that they were late were terribly stressful. I would get a stomach ache, anxiety would follow, as I would create a scenario in my mind as to what had happened. Dead in the street, car accident, or some other craziness would run through my mind. I have no idea why I thought any of this, as nothing bad had ever happened, but I couldn't stop the feelings. It's similar to what Ron is going through, and all I can say is this stress will stop on October 8 when he has no more dealings with a probation officer.

Knowing Ron, he will find something else to worry about, as that is his nature. I don't think one can change their nature. I'll have to ask Richard about that.