What Is Helicopter Parenting?

Fran and I were out walking one day, talking about our grandchildren, and we both came to the same conclusion.  Parenting today is very different than when we were raising our kids and when our parents were raising us.  Today we have helicopter parenting, which is what Fran called it.  I had never heard the term before, but now that I've looked it up, I find it's been around since 1969.  At that time teens who felt their parents were hovering over them and scrutinizing everything they did coined the word.  Today it means something quite different.

A helicopter parent is one who is over focused on their children, according to Carolyn Daitch, Ph.D.  The parents take too much responsibility for their children's experiences and specifically, their successes or failures.  It is also call overparenting.  It means being involved in a child's life in a way that is overcontrolling, overprotecting, and overperfecting.  In toddlerhood, a helicopter parent might constantly shadow the child, always playing with and directing his behavior, allowing him zero alone time.

What are the consequences of helicopter parenting?  Many helicopter parents start off with good intentions.  They want to be engaged with their children and their lives.  This has benefits, like increasing feelings of love and acceptance, building self-confidence, and providing guidance and opportunities to grow.  However, it can backfire.  Often the parent does not allow the child to fail, which is important for children to experience.

Dr. Dunnewold says that the underlying message of a parent's overinvolvement is that "my parents don't trust me to do this on my own."  This message can lead to a lack of confidence.  How does the child learn to solve problems and cope with loss, disappointment or rejection if a parent is always there to pick them up?  Another consequence of helicopter parenting is undeveloped life skills.  Parents who are always tying their child's shoes, packing lunches and helping them dress  are not allowing the child to develop these skills themselves.

So how do you love and care for your child without hovering, without stifling?  Growing up involves some suffering for the parent as well as the child.  This means that the child will struggle with disappointment and failure.  It means letting your child do tasks that they are physically and mentally capable of doing.  Parents have to step back from solving all of  a child's problems in order to build the reliant, self-confident kids we need.

Fran and I started talking about this subject as we were commenting on birthday parties for preschoolers and elementary age kids.  When my kids were four and five they went to many birthday parties.  I would drop them off at the home of the birthday child, and pick them up two hours later.  They had a ball.  No mom and dad on the scene, no siblings, just a group of kids having a great time.  It's not that way anymore!  Today, the whole family attends the birthday party.  I don't know if this is a social experience for the parents, or that the parents are afraid to leave their children.  That's a topic for another blog.  Every generation parents differently, and we don't know if the current way of parenting is better or worse.  One thing we do know is that the next generation will do something different too.