Forty Third Visit to Taft

Everytime I go to Taft I meet new people and hear new stories that touch my heart. Last week I enjoyed back to back visits with Ron due to Thursday, November 11 being a free day because of Veteran's Day. Carole and I drove to Taft on Thursday morning, visited all day, then went to the home of Linda and Rod in Bakersfield, and spent a fantastic evening with them. Early Friday morning we were back at Taft, visited until 1pm, then headed home. It was a tiring yet exhilerating two days. Not only do I look forward to my visits with Ron, but I also enjoy connecting with other prison wives. Taft has a new inmate from Indiana. Ron enjoys spending time with him, so when his wife and son came this weekend from Indianapolis, I was anxious to meet them. Another family I will enjoy seeing on visiting day. My circle of wives, girlfriends and mothers is expanding weekly, and I am constantly impressed with the strength and compassion of these women. They are all heroes in my eyes.

By talking to Ron everyday I have a good handle on how he's doing emotionally. He is an open book. Last week I could hear something in his voice that told me he was not feeling like his normal, cheerful self. He sounded a little down, so I was happy to have two days with him to talk and figure out why. He told me he had times when he felt very lonely, so we talked alot about this emotion.

"Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty." Mother Theresa. Luckily Ron's loneliness is infrequent and short lived but many inmates have chronic depression and loneliness, mainly caused by long term incarceration. I asked Ron if he saw a difference in inmates that had visitation, letters and phone calls, and those that had little contact with the ouside world. He answer was an unequivocal "YES." Men who have outside people who care about them are more upbeat, positive and balanced. Many inmates who have been down for a long time(incarcerated) are no longer in touch with the outside. Often friends and family give up on them. This causes depression, and many inmates withdraw, becoming loners, spending most of their leisure time sleeping. Ron describes many of them as having either a sad, or angry face. Many times these men had letters and visits initially, but through the years they have been forgotten. This is a tragic situation for so many men and it does not bode well for their chance of success when they are released into society.

Ron's loneliness centers around his limited ability to connect with his family. When he is missing someone, he calls them. If he can't get in touch with them he gets frustrated, as he has no way of reaching them. Another situation that causes Ron to feel lonely is a family problem. He is afraid that a serious family problem may tear us apart, and there's little he can do. It is exasperating not to be able to freely and spontaneously communicate with your loved ones. Days may go by before being able to actually talk to a person you are having a conflict with. This means that there is so much time for Ron to sit and think about all the various solutions to a problem and to imagine what the other person might be thinking. As one psychologist told me long ago, most of the worst case scenarios that you think about never come to pass, but it doesn't keep most people from thinking about them.

Ron finds that a structured day keeps him balanced and forward thinking. A routine is one of the keys to keeping balanced and fighting off loneliness. The goal is not to get too high or too low. The day before visitation is often a high day, and when visitation is over an inmate often feels low. Stay on an even keel. That's what Ron strives for. Don't get the idea that Ron is lonely or depressed from what I have just written. He's not, yet he does have his moments. Usually a five minute talk with me will cheer him up and remind him of what we have, and how soon we will be together again. It sounds corny, but that works for him.